Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 14! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.)
In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 70 and read "The Path to Infidelity" by Marshele Carter Waddell. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion and give-away anyway!) Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Jocelyn Green.
Disclaimer: Right up front, let me say that I know marital faithfulness is the responsibility of BOTH spouses. And I know that for every story of the wife breaking her vow of fidelity, there is another story of the husband having an affair. I get that. But because my books and blog specifically speak to the female audience, I'm using examples from other women, and using pronouns like "she" and "her" and "us." Please don't be offended, and please don't think for a moment that I think the husbands are off the hook when it comes to remaining faithful. In fact, if there are any men out there reading this, all of this can apply to you as well. Now, having clarified that, let's jump in.
Nobody ever wakes up one day and decides, out of the blue, to have an affair. That's why, even if you think you don't need to read this blog post, I hope you will. The title of Marshele's devotion is "The Path to Infidelity" for good reason--it's a process. I once heard about a military wife who, during her husband's deployment, simply decided to carpool to choir practice with her neighbor. It seemed like such a practical, innocent decision at the time. But on the way to and from church, their conversations became more and more personal. A friendship developed, then sparked into romance. Eventually, they did have a physical affair. Not every emotional affair becomes a physical affair, but you can bet that every act of infidelity was once an emotional affair.
To help us understand more about this topic--affairs of the heart, if not of the body yet--let's hear from special guest Shannon Ethridge, best-selling author of multiple books for women on sexual integrity, sexual intimacy, and intimacy with God. (See her books here.) Jocelyn Green: What is your definition of an emotional affair?
Shannon Ethridge: When a woman finds herself going out of way to get a man’s attention to have ego stroked by him, when she seeks to get affirmation from him other than God. This is very common in women, but it’s a myth that men are only physically stimulated, not emotional, and women vice versa. Which drive is primary could be determined by gender.
If it’s not physical, is it innocent?
It means you have crossed the line. You can be attracted to someone and that is innocent. Just because you’re attracted doesn’t mean that you’ve defiled yourself, it’s when you’re acting on it, trying to make it your own.
What’s the danger of allowing an emotional attachment?
Wherever a woman’s heart goes, her body will long to follow. The idea that’s its totally innocent, is deceiving. Eventually she is going to want to be physical with him, that’s how we humans are made. The more attached, the more overwhelming the longing to be physical. God says above all else, guard your heart (not your body). I can’t help but think he was referring to emotional affairs. [Tweet "God says above all else, guard your heart (not your body). I can’t help but think he was referring to emotional affairs."] Our hearts are so entangled it can be more destructive than a physical affair. One woman said her husband had sex, but had no emotion, so they didn’t fall in love.
What are some warning signs that you may be starting an emotional affair?
Obsessing over the person, thinking about him or her far too often, going out of one’s way to get person’s attention. Making up excuses to run into or call the person. Stop contact cold turkey if possible. Not everyone is in a situation where they can do that. If it’s a neighbor or co-worker, for example, it will take time to diffuse that attachment. I do think you can draw emotional boundaries, reel thoughts in, purify relationships. Maintain healthy boundaries. If you find yourself crossing boundaries over and over, then take drastic measures.
What affect does an emotional affair have on the marriage relationship? On the kids?
The wife starts comparing in her mind the new guy with her husband, for example, thinking of ways her husband doesn’t measure up. She becomes discontent, her husband can’t please her. It wears away trust, intimacy, passion. And it’s a very unfair comparison. No man who you’ve lived with for some time can measure up to a sweaty palm-butterfly feeling. That new feeling isn’t intimacy, it’s intensity. When that wears off, intimacy develops. When there is tension in a marriage, kids see it. That’s going to have an effect on them. All kids want parents to feel loved.
Why do people get involved in emotional affairs? What is the attraction?
It’s the feeling. Being desired by someone feels empowering. Being attractive to another person. So much of it is based on ego, vanity, insecurity. If we don’t believe we are beautiful (or handsome) by ourselves, if we don’t believe who we are in Christ, we start looking for love in all the wrong places. We can never place the burden of responsibility on our spouse’s shoulders to be our all in all. The emotional affair is not your spouse’s issue, it’s your issue. He didn’t drag you there, he probably didn’t push you there. We have to take responsibility for our own actions. We’ll either turn our energy to husband or outside the marriage.
Is it possible to have a one-sided emotional affair with a fictional character or a celebrity?
Absolutely. That’s the fantasy life. Not all fantasies are wrong, God gave us the ability to fantasize within God’s boundaries, but when we use that to fuel ungodly desires, that’s where we cross the line. I would say 50-80 percent of emotional affairs are one-sided. Does that mean it’s not tearing away at intimacy with the husband? It probably is. The wife is still comparing.
Thank you Shannon for sharing with us today! Before we open up the disucssion to the rest of you, I'd like to bring us back one more time to Marshele's devotion. In the Faith Deployed...Again, she says:
The emotional void and physical vacancy caused by the demands of military life leave us hungry for connection, conversation, and companionship. The choice is ours. The temptation is present daily in the lives of military wives. An affair is a real experience or a real possibility we’ve all considered and a powerful lure for the tired, burned out, and lonely ones on the home front. . . . We’ve all wrestled with affairs of the heart, if not of the flesh. We must choose faithfulness daily, hourly, sometimes in five-minute intervals.
May we all choose faithfulness today. Discuss: What are some precautions you take to guard against emotional affairs cropping up? What is one thing that Shannon shared in our interview that really stood out to you?
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